To the girl who claims to be fearless,
I’ve been there. I know that it’s a lie, a facade. Every moment you are awake, you fear. You feel fear crawling upon you every day, every minute, every moment. The fear of isolation. The fear of being misunderstood. The fear of life itself.
You’re afraid to walk down a cliff; not because you fear death, but because you’re afraid of living with the pain of the fall down the cliff.
You’re afraid that you will never be loved, that you are unworthy of it. You clarify every sentence you say, explain every joke you crack, just in case, someone misunderstood your intentions.
You speak a lot. You’re never silent, afraid that your silence will be mistaken to be your weakness. Every joke they make about you breaks you a little. But you smile, you laugh, afraid that if you don’t, you won’t be sporting, you aren’t funny.
You are drowning. You can feel the water of disappointment entering your lungs. You find yourself crying and screaming for help. But somehow, no one seems to hear you. You think that you aren’t loud enough, so you try again. Try with all the force left in you. But no one seems to hear. And it’s only at that moment will you realize the ultimate truth of life: no one cares. They can hear you, but they don’t care. They can see you drowning, but they don’t care.
You suddenly feel that you don’t matter, that it is all worthless. Let me assure you, it is not. You think that this apathy is weapon to destroy. You are not completely wrong. Apathy is a weapon, but not in their hands, but in yours. You believe that apathy is the worst thing that you might get, because you don’t yet know of its powers.
The fact that people don’t care, the apathy people throw at you is the best gift you can get. Because it is only then that the only one who can help you is yourself. Only you can get yourself out of the storm.
You are drowning, but you need not remain drowning. Splash water, struggle to stay afloat. Just keep your eyes on the shore and keep moving. Hit your arms in the water, kick the water. Do anything, but just move. Inch by inch, you’ll be closer to the shore. Soon, you’ll find that it isn’t that difficult either. You are no longer drowning, you are swimming.
And this is how you cross oceans, my dear. One hand splash, one kick at a time. This is how you cross mountains, one step at a time. Eventually, you’ll find the clutch of fear falling loose. You’ll slowly crawl out of its grip.
And in a last attempt to catch you, the fear will increase its hold. Your knees will feel weak even though the goal is in your sight. This is the moment when you need to be the strongest. You’ve come so far, you can definitely go on for a bit more.
Years and years after this hard fought victory, you’ll feel a familiar tug in your heart. It will be your old friend, fear, calling you. You’ll suddenly feel scared, feel afraid again. You’ll find yourself drowning on dry land. And it’s okay. It’s okay to give in to these fears sometimes. But you can’t let these fears get the better of you. You can’t let these fears win. You can’t fight against everything at once and expect victory. You’ll have to choose your battles. Choose them wisely and take them down, one fear at a time. So what if you aren’t loved, you will be loving. If you are misunderstood, you’ll learn to be kind. If you are always laughed at, you’ll become sensitive. Maybe you can’t be fearless, but you can definitely be strong and brave.
A happier you
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